hi, it's been awhile

Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do, but starting today I really want to change the way I think about myself. It’s really hard to be happy when you think you’re the biggest asshole on top of everything else.  In the past 18 months I have: moved across the country, started a new job, spent my first Thanksgiving and Christmas just me and Brandon, COVID, quarantine, all plans for this year cancelled, started another new job, and multiple major depressive episodes; but right now, in this moment, I feel great. I’m medicated, took an edible, and enjoyed a glass of wine, but it’s more than that. Things are really starting to come together, and it feels good. We love Michigan. We are doing so much work to our house and making it our own.  We ordered a new sofa and I am so excited that I might die before it arrives. We had plumbing work done and painted the brew room last weekend and it looks so so so good. The only downside is that now we are really anxious to finish the rest of the basement.  Any and all donations will be accepted.

Tonight Brandon is making me dinner – linguine with mussels and clams – I AM SO EXCITED!  I’m jealous because I’ve never cooked with fresh shellfish before, but I was able to sneak one last look at them before I sequestered myself upstairs. There is something nice about someone cooking for you knowing I don’t have to do anything at all.  I fucking miss restaurants.

I’m still working on perfecting my meatball recipe, which means we have had spaghetti two weeks in a row. We are going to start eating better/drinking less/being healthier in September, which means we are eating and drinking way too much right now, but I really do love it. I fucking miss restaurants.

Here are some of the things that I’ve been doing!

My best spaghetti to date, but still not just right.

My best spaghetti to date, but still not just right.

Plum Torte - Special thanks to Alyssa, Smitten Kitchen, and Imperfect Foods.

Plum Torte - Special thanks to Alyssa, Smitten Kitchen, and Imperfect Foods.

My very first time eating and making chicken pot pie.

My very first time eating and making chicken pot pie.

And I did a photo shoot with a moth.

And I did a photo shoot with a moth.

it's my birthday

Today is my 33rd birthday, and it has been full of epiphanies large and small. Really it’s all thanks to the hammock.

I always thought I’d like a hammock, but I was nervous of looking silly getting in to or out of it, imagine if I fell!  Even on vacations I was so worried that the other vacationers might see me hammocking wrong, and they would remember it for the rest of their lives. Everyone thinks the world revolves around them, but this is extreme. A couple weekends ago we were outside brewing and it was just a perfect sunny day and I was finally ready to take the plunge, I ordered it. After an agonizing week of tracking updates it arrived. I set it up myself (mostly) and then came the moment of truth. I have never felt so relaxed in my entire life. There is no better feeling than being cradled in a cotton cocoon, the warm sun on your skin after enduring  a gray Midwest winter, the birds chirping, and a gentle breeze slowly rocking you.  I have started preliminary plans for Hammock Island and it will be magical.

To think of all the years I missed being a hammock person, what else am I missing out on?! I’m going to do the things I’ve been scared to do, next up is riding the beach cruiser I bought two years ago!

As a birthday treat I made Smitten Kitchen’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart and oh my god it is so fucking good.  The shortbread crust is buttery and perfect and I have to stop myself from cutting slivers all day long.

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These pictures don’t even do it justice. It is so rich and I don’t want to know anything about the calories! Ok, I have to get one more slice!

stay at home order - week 8

It really doesn’t feel like it has been eight weeks. I am lucky to be in a situation where Brandon and I can both work from home and our lives haven’t changed that much. We both missed out on things we were looking forward to, but we are in a very privileged position. I know that many people are struggling right now, but I worry about what might happen if we don’t continue social distancing. I wish the government would pass a bill that actually provided relief for the people that need it.

Our weather finally turned, it has been so beautiful recently. As a birthday treat for myself I purchased a hammock. Brandon is mowing the yard right now and I’m so excited to lay in it! As expected, I planted my garden too early and pretty much everything froze to death last weekend.

This past weekend Alyssa and I did Zoom Sunday Dinner. We tried a weird recipe from Jamie Oliver - Chicken in Milk. This has to be the easiest chicken I’ve made, I was nervous about the milk and cinnamon but oh my gosh it was delicious!

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I made tortillas for the first time on Cinco de Mayo. I don’t know if I ever would have made them if not for the pandemic and short supply in grocery stores. They turned out great for my first time. Not pictured are the margaritas, I infused tequila with pineapple and jalapeno, fresh lime juice, and topped with Topo Chico, all in a glass with Tajin on the rim.

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And then there was the bread…first I forgot to feed my starter, then I forgot to add salt and yeast until 45 minutes after the final mix, but I figured what the hell and kept going. When it was time for the oven, I couldn’t really tell any difference in the dough, which means I didn’t fuck it up as bad as I thought I did, or that I always fuck it up and that’s how it is. My scoring definitely improved on these loaves. I’ve given up on the lame and am just holding the razor blade and it is much more effective. Hopefully Brandon won’t read this far down, he will not be happy since he has to bandage my hands from knife cuts weekly as it is!

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I ordered at home wax strips, and it did not go well.

Oh and here is the most beautiful girl in the world!

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stay at home order - week 4

I have no excuse for not updating other than laziness, which isn’t exactly an excuse.

Things are getting kind of weird.

There was a protest at the state capitol this week where people brought swastika flags and did not adhere to social distancing guidelines. Part of me just considers this natural selection while the other part just feels sad for them. It’s like they’ve joined a cult, but don’t realize it, which I guess IS a cult. It’s strange to think that things will not be normal again for quite some time, and maybe not normal ever again. Tonight Brandon and I discussed when we would go to a movie theater again, which turned into if. How is it possible that the President was being impeached a few months ago, and now it all seem so insignificant?

I still enjoy the time at home, even though I’m not using it the way I should. There are so many things I want to do, but, for me, the hardest thing in the world is vulnerability; and, it’s like this situation is forcing it upon me. Yes, I have been reading and listening to Brene Brown. I haven’t been a great wife, or friend, or anything, but I’m awake now.

ANYWAY when things are uncertain and shitty, it’s time to drink!

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whatever jam you have gin fizz

2 tsp fun syrup (recipe follows)
1/2 lime
1 1/2 oz gin
Topo Chico

1. Add fun syrup to your glass.

2. Put in ice - I don’t know why the order matters, it just does.

3. Add lime and gin.

4. Top with Topo

fun syrup

1/2 c. whatever jam/jelly/preserve you have
1/2 c. water

1. Simmer ingredients over low heat until they thicken to a syrup-y consistency.

stay at home order - week 1

I know that everything happening in the world is super serious and scary, but personally, I am thriving. After feeling so isolated it is really nice to have Brandon home with me all day. My friends are all home too, so we are having virtual happy hours and talking on the phone. I love it.

We take the dogs on a walk every day and it is so nice to see the sidewalk chalk messages and families spending time together, it is so wholesome. People are slowing down, and we are remembering what is really important.

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But then there are the creepy things too. The grocery store is such a weird place and our neighborhood playground is closed.

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And when you’re stuck at home and you have overripe bananas you make something special, Banana Pumpkin Bread with Cream Cheese Frosting and Toasted Pecans!

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Banana Pumpkin Bread with Cream Cheese Frosting and Toasted Pecans

Bread

2 ripe bananas, mashed
2 eggs
1/3 c. canola oil
1 1/3 c. pumpkin puree
1/2 c. honey
1/2 c. white sugar
2 1/2 c. flour
1 t. baking powder
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. salt
2 t. Penzey’s apple pie spice
1/2 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. cardamom
1 c. toasted pecans

Cream Cheese Frosting

4 oz. room temperature cream cheese
1 stick room temperature butter
1-2 c. powder sugar
1 t. vanilla

1. Grease two 8” cake pans

2. Combine banana, eggs, oil, pumpkin, honey, and sugar in a medium bowl. In a smaller bowl combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and spices. Stir into the wet mixture and fold in 1/2 c. of pecans.

3. Divide batter between the cake pans. Don’t be like me and cram it all into one cake pan. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes, until toothpick comes out clean.

4. Remove from cake pan and allow to cool on a wire rack until almost room temperature, then place in the fridge to cool further.

5. While cake cools, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Add powder sugar to taste. I used about 1 cup because we don’t like things overly sweet, but you can adjust to your taste, add vanilla.

6. Once cake is cooled, remove from fridge and level the top of the cake so it is flat (or flatish). If you have 2 cakes, add frosting to the top of the bottom cake, then place second layer on top. Add a dollop to the top layer as a crumb coat, use the rest of the frosting to cover the top of the cake using an offset spatula. Sprinkle the remaining 1/2 c. of toasted pecans on the top and then run upstairs with the cake to show your partner what you made!

my first overnight white bread - fwsy

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Author’s note: I wrote this in January right after I bought the domain. Things are out of order, but so am I.

I read the book (ok, the necessary chapters to get started), the equipment was prepped, and I was gifted the perfect book to use as my baking journal, it was time to begin.

A nice thing about moving across the country is that I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, which made Christmas as good a time as any to bake my first loaf.  After finishing the final fold on Christmas Eve I gave the dough a pep talk, sent a prayer to Santa, and went to bed.  It was a chilly night – 37° and I was nervous the dough wouldn’t rise enough, but the next morning, like a true Christmas miracle, the dough nearly tripled! 

Divide, proof, bake, blah blah blah…I MADE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LOAF! It was so pretty when I took it out of the oven that I screamed at Brandon to come and praise me, yes, those were my exact words to him, “come praise me!”

Since I made this first loaf I have tried different variations - loaves with poolish and biga. I will definitely post more about my biga loaves since they are my current favorite. This has taught me to just fucking do what I want, just TRY things, I’m not going to be perfect, and that’s okay. Now just have to keep repeating that to myself all day every day until I actually believe it.

here goes nothing

Hello, reader, welcome to the apocalypse! Locust swarms in Africa, monkeys fighting in Thailand, and COVID-19 all over the world. I bought this domain in January to post about brewing and baking, but never decided how to structure the posts and put the whole thing off. Now here we are, self-quarantining before shelter in place officially takes effect, so I’m finally doing this! It is such a weird time, and I keep hoping that it’ll just clear up next week and we can go back to normal, but I’m not sure that will happen. I am trying to take advantage of this time, while I know I will get stir crazy, it is a great time to start yoga again, read, bake, and reconnect.